Friday, 26 March 2010

Foxy Knoxy's word to the wise #2: preaching beards

Facial hair letting you down?

Preaching beard lacking in Reformed gravitas?
Tired of older Reformers throwing theological sand in your clean-shaven face?

Why not try:

Made specially from the hair of pedigree, prize-winning Angora rabbits on the Isle of Sanday*, all-new PREACHING BEARDSTM come in two colours: black or white.
That's right, definitely no shades of grey here!

Hear the hushed murmurs of your congregation as you stride up to your pulpit in your long and luxuriant beard!

Watch with pleasure, from your 6 feet above contradiction pulpit position, faces staring up at you in rapt attention, straining to hear every word being filtered through your beard of authority!

'Before I received my preaching beard, I just felt naked.  My ministerial life was a meaningless abyss of self-loathing, failure and despair.  My preaching lacked the 'zing' that comes with the choreography of beard stroking that always denotes wisdom.  Since I started wearing my PREACHING BEARDTM, the sick are healed, the dead are raised and the congregation stays awake during my sermons.  Thank you so much!'
Lazarus B. Raysed, minster, St John of Knox Presbyterian Church, Cummerbund.

'Baptisms were an ordeal before I ordered new, 100% gravitas guaranteed PREACHING BEARDSTM.  Babies screamed when I approached.  Toddlers burst into tears.  Since I started wearing my PREACHING BEARDTM children flock to me.  My PREACHING BEARDTM is so strong that it can take the weight of 3 babies and toddler swinging from the long, luxuriant locks and into the baptistry.  The optional 'slide' accessory is great too.'
Noah Wheretogo, pastor, 1st Baptist Church, Auchtermuckle

'Thank you for transforming my approach to minstry!  My authority as a woman in ministry was often under attack.  Since wearing my PREACHING BEARDTM however, the congregation sit in awed silence as I proclaim the word.' 
Shirley U. Musbjokin, priest, Valhalla Episcopal Church, Fetlar.

Buy now!
Be the first minister in your area to wear all new, all-guaranteed PREACHING BEARDSTM!
Designed to demonstrate your spiritual authority without even having to utter a word!
Special offer: buy one, get one free!

Available only while stocks last!

PREACHING BEARDSTM: reforming ministry since 1560!

*all rabbits free-range and fed only the highest ethical quality fairly traded chocolate*


liz said...

I'll take two of those - one in black and one in white. no one will ever question my ministerial authority again!
reverend wiseass.

Quotidian Grace said...

Love it!