It always starts with words

Currently pondering conflict, and the place ego and pride seem to play. Whether it's the smaller circle of family and friends, or the more large-scale... how to break the spiral of violence? It takes someone prepared to take a step back, and potentially put their reputation at risk, to push pause. How many lives have to be destroyed first, before reaching that place? Over the last few years, the term DARVO has become familiar. Standing for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender, it's often used in discussions around narcissism - and, politically, in reference to people such as Donald Trump or Boris Johnson, both of whom seem expert practitioners. The other word for the practice can be traced back to the 1944 film Gaslight from which we have gaslighting.

Given my research on verbal dispute, and knowing the old saying:
Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me

is a pile of nonsense, to me, the cycle of violence always seems to begin with words, used both to diminish the other, and justify one's own actions. Here, I'm thinking of Vladimir Putin's speech justifying war on Ukraine as just one example but it's been a classic strategy - from Athens v Sparta through to Hitler, and so on.

Words.

It always starts with words:

insults or propaganda.

Dehumanise.

Make them less than you,

not even worth sharing the same air.

Justify.

If beyond the bounds of family feud,

cite ancient empires and ‘taking back the land.’

Worst case: losing face.

Deny.

It never happened or,

that’s not how it happened.

Attack.

Perhaps begin with verbal volleys,

soften up the target.

Reverse.

‘Hey, I’m actually the victim here!’

Claim you’re not the offender.

Reconciliation, or retaliation?

Stuck.

Circle of life, or circle of death?

Brokering peace, or bodies, broken?

Unbending.

Stubborn pride ignores the lighthouse

and steers straight towards the rocks.

Pyrrhic.

At the carnival of carnage

no winners, only wasteland.

        Nik Mac June 2023